Now that we have covered the basics behind the power of attraction, I would like to share a wonderful tool for understanding why you instantly bond with some people; while at the same time, some people seem born to irritate you.

Not everyone is like you. Not everyone wants the same things you want. Psychologists have identified four distinct personality types: Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Melancholic and Choleric. Everyone leans towards one of these types. If you learn to understand what excites, motivates, irritates and frustrates these different personality types, you’ll be well on your way to understanding attraction and why certain people frustrate you more than others.

In order to determine what personality type someone has, you simply need to answer two questions:

1.      Is the person primarily an extrovert or primarily an introvert?

2.      Is the person primarily impulsive or primarily tentative?

What is the difference between an extrovert and an introvert? Extroverts tend to befriend the world instantly, while introverts tend to pick their friends carefully. Extroverts readily and spontaneously tell stories, share secrets and express their emotions, because they believe that doing so will bring them closer to people. Extroverts are people oriented. They often make decisions based upon emotions. They are very affectionate and demonstrative early in relationships. They also tend to be very concerned with the opinions and feelings of others.

On the other hand, introverts tend to be goal oriented. They also tell stories, share secrets and express their emotions, but only if they see a good point in doing so. Introverts only open up when they believe that sharing emotions, stories and secrets will bring them closer to what they want from life. They can be very affectionate, but they tend to hold their affections back for those select people who matter to them. Introverts like to base their decisions on their own inner logic and understanding, rather than worry about the opinions and emotions of others.

What is the difference between impulsive and tentative? Impulsive people are fast-paced and very direct. They talk fast; they move fast; they think quickly; they act impulsively; they express themselves easily and directly. Impulsive people have a tremendous-inner need to get things done.

In contrast, tentative people are slower-paced and very indirect. They talk slower; they think cautiously; they move carefully; they speak prudently; they hesitate before taking action. Tentative people have a tremendous inner-need to get things right.

For example, impulsive people usually greet others directly with statements like, “Come in, sit down, have a drink.” While tentative people tend to ask, “Would you like to come in? Would you care to sit down? Can I get you a drink?”

Once you have determined whether someone is introverted or extroverted, and determined whether they are impulsive or tentative, you can use that information to identify their personality-type. Each personality-type approaches life differently, and knowing how each type approaches life, makes approaching people easier.

People who exhibit extrovert and impulsive qualities are Sanguine. Sanguine people believe that the main purpose in life is to enjoy what life has to offer. They tend towards impulsive acts of kindness, impulsive acts of friendship and impulsive acts of all kinds. They love to talk. They love to be the center of attention. They are nature’s enthusiasts and can get people involved in almost anything. On the flip side, they need to learn to control their impulsiveness, or they can often impulse themselves right into bankruptcy and over-commitments. Sanguine people don’t really care about logic, and they are bad with details. They can do detailed and logical work, they just really would rather not. Sanguine people are often amazed when their bills arrive each month. They tend to think, “Didn’t I just pay this?” Sanguine people only learn to budget and be organized when they discover the link between enjoying life and planning ahead.

If you have ever wondered, “How did I get myself into this situation?” chances are, you’re Sanguine. But the true test as to whether or not you’re Sanguine comes when you ask yourself what irritates you the most. What irritates Sanguine people the most? Routine, structure and, most of all, any person who points out their “illogical” behavior and expects them to change who they are. When dealing with Sanguine personalities, you should be dynamic and appreciative. Help them to focus on one thing at a time, and always shower them with attention, approval and applause. They will love you for your efforts and pay you back with buckets of enthusiasm and energy.

People who exhibit impulsive and introvert qualities are Choleric. Choleric people feel that the main purpose in life is to accomplish something meaningful. They live to be acknowledged for their contributions to the world. They tend to be goal-driven and future-oriented. They love to be part of something big and important. They want to leave a mark on the world. They feel good when they have hit their target, and they hate people who get in their way. Whenever Cholerics feel trapped by people, or circumstance, they become irritable and abrupt. When they listen to other people speak, they often find their minds wandering. They really just want people to get to the point, so that they can get to their point. Choleric personalities live to make a point. But they need to learn that not everybody lives to make a point the same way they do. Choleric personalities only learn to interact with people effectively when they discover the link between getting things done and getting along with people.

If you have ever wondered, “Why won’t they just get to the point and leave me alone?” chances are, you’re Choleric. But again, the true test as to whether or not you’re Choleric comes when you ask yourself what irritates you the most. What irritates a Choleric? Waiting, indecision, wasting time, long-winded people without a point and being ordered to do anything. Choleric people need to control their own choices and destiny. When dealing with Choleric personalities always be succinct, help them discover solutions, give them choices, help them to achieve their goals, give them credit for their accomplishments and don’t waste their time. If you give Cholerics the control they require, they will adore you and become your top producers.

Tentative but introverted people are known as Melancholic. Melancholic personalities believe that the main purpose in life is to understand the patterns that make life possible. They love to know “why” and “how.” They sift through the data of life and try to make sense of things. They love structure, predictability, numbers, scientific method, physical proof and evidence. They value logical discussion, and they feel uncomfortable with overly emotional outbursts. Melancholic people are perfectionists. They want the world to make perfect sense, and they have a hard time accepting the fact that not everyone cares about logic and accuracy as much as they do. It just doesn’t seem logical to them that people can function without logic.

When Melancholic people are confronted by illogical and emotional people, a “this-does-not-compute” sign begins to flash in their brains. They keep wanting to fix the illogical thought, even when the illogical thought comes from someone else. When people do not cooperate with them, by giving them the logic that they require, Melancholics feel unsettled and will often withdraw from the situation. Melancholic people spend a lot of energy trying to make sense of troubling events, so they can avoid those events in the future. When they are upset, they like to break down the exact cause of the frustration and will often recite each event in sequence to pinpoint the problem. They need to learn that not everybody cares about making sense and being logical. Melancholic people only learn how to interact with others effectively when they discover the link between their own need for logic and the illogic of always wanting and expecting others to be logical.

If you have ever wondered, “Can’t they see that they aren’t making sense?” chances are, you’re Melancholic. Again, the true test as to whether or not you’re Melancholic comes when you ask yourself what irritates you the most. What irritates a Melancholic? Inaccuracy, imprecision, lack of planning, rushing into things and any impulsive, ill-advised, illogical behavior. When dealing with Melancholic people, you should be precise, thorough, organized and methodical. Appreciate their logic and their depth of understanding. Give them time. They need time in order to do a good job. But don’t give them forever. Their desperate need to get things right often means that they never feel ready. So, help them to create deadlines. And help them to see the illogic of always expecting logic and perfection from others. They will appreciate your understanding and become your most brilliant touchstones.

Extroverted but tentative people are known as Phlegmatic. Phlegmatic people believe that the main purpose in life is to build sincere and deep relationships with other people. They tend to be the best listeners. They also tend to care a great deal about what other people think and feel. They are happiest when everyone around them is happy, so they do a lot to contribute to the happiness of others. They love to communicate their feelings and emotions. They love to get close to people and help others find contentment. Phlegmatic people are supportive, balanced, friendly, sensitive, caring and chatty. They are the cement that holds a group together, and they work tirelessly at cultivating harmonious relationships.

On the other hand, they become very uncomfortable with any behavior that threatens the stability and harmony of their relationships. They are easily hurt by what they consider insensitive behavior. And, rather than cause a scene or hurt others, they will bury their hurt inside themselves. They tend to develop grudges and become overwhelmed, or disillusioned by the behavior of others. They often think, “Why aren’t people more nice?” Phlegmatic people only learn acceptance, when they discover that not all personalities care about being nice as much as they do. When they stop taking every action so personally, they can find greater balance. When they stop expecting everyone to be as sensitive as they are, they can learn to become less sensitive to others.

If you have ever wondered, “Why is that person being so mean?” chances are, you’re Phlegmatic. Once again, the true test as to whether or not you’re Phlegmatic comes when you ask yourself what irritates you the most. What irritates a Phlegmatic? Abrupt, rude, unpredictable and argumentative situations, or people. As well as any action that threatens the peace and harmony of their day. When dealing with Phlegmatic personalities, you should be friendly, empathetic, patient, supportive, accepting and take your time. They will blossom under your support and become the foundation that supports everyone in your life.

The four tables linked to this web site explain each personality type and how to interact with them constructively. While you are busy checking out what makes other people tick, be sure to take a look at your own personality type. You might gain some insight into what’s always irritating you, and why.

Also, please notice that the very interactions that make a Phlegmatic happy will drive a Choleric up the wall; and the very actions that make a Sanguine happy will drive a Melancholic crazy. You need to take your time with a Phlegmatic, but you should waste no time with a Choleric. A Sanguine thrives on intuition and impulse, while a Melancholic thrives on logic and accuracy. Whenever you find that people are driving you crazy, chances are that they are your opposite; so probably, you’re finding it difficult to understand what they want from you, and you’re finding it difficult to explain yourself to them.

Once you learn to give people what they need in order to thrive, you will start interacting with them more effectively.